i’m not sorry

http://https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QxsmWxxouIM

One of my favorite poems from For Colored Girls is the poem “sorry”. MAN I wish this poem wasn’t so damn relatable. I literally found myself laughing out loud. I love the way Shange personifies the “sorry”, stating “I got sorry greeting me at my front door” and how she can’t even open her closet without the empty “sorries” of men spilling out at her feet. I think I also appreciate the specificity of it. As a queer woman who dates men, being begrudgingly “apologized” to, only for that “apology” being followed by the same exact behavior the falling week is such a specific and painful experience I never thought about before. It’s so validating how Shange was able to give space for that, and the specific experiences we need to heal from lackluster love from men.

you were always inconsistent

doin somethin & then bein sorry

beatin my heart to death!

talkin bout you sorry well,

i will not call,

i’m not goin to be nice,

i will raise my voice,

& scream & holler

& break things & race the engine

& tell all your secrets bout yourself to your face

& i will list in detail everyone of my wonderful lovers

& their ways i will play oliver lake loud!

& i  wont be sorry for none of it

The poem discusses how no matter men’s violence, when they do apologize, it’s not in a place to heal the situation or help progress the relationship. Instead, it is usually a silencing tactic. It’s a word that crosses its arms, waiting by the door for immediate forgiveness and forgetfulness. There is an expectation that you must do the work to forgive and heal alone, and to expect for him to do this work with you is asking for too much.

This poem immediately reminded me of Beyonce’s song “Sorry” from her Lemonade Album.

Now you want to say you’re sorry

Now you want to call me crying

Now you gotta see me wilding

Now I’m the one that’s lying

And I don’t feel bad about it

It’s exactly what you get

Stop interrupting my grinding

I ain’t thinking ’bout you

In “Sorry” by Beyonce, she repeats multiple times how she’s not “sorry” for her behavior (staying out late, spending time with her girls, and dancing). Unlike the men in Shange’s poem, she will not give an empty sorry to follow her behavior. She argues that her lover has driven her to this point, after making her miserable, waiting late for him, and having him lie to her constantly—”beatin her heart to death” as Shange puts it. Beyonce assures him multiple time “i ain’t thinkin bout you”, similar to Shange’s “I will not call” and “i will be sorry for none of it” assertion. The song is about Beyonce celebrating her own company and her companionship with other women in place of the empty companionship from a men. The video has groups of women dancing, carefree and unbothered, reminding me of images of Shange.